Chapter 7

Shadows

Darkness. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear this word? A pitch-black color? Absence of light? Maybe for you darkness is that, but not for everybody. Maybe not for me. Darkness is what I was suffering for the last few days, maybe months. Darkness was the pitch-black feeling that was inside my mind. Darkness was the absence of the light called hope from my life.

I stopped talking to any of my friends or family members and even Devika. For the first few days I was crying and blaming myself for the problems that were occurring inside my family but then I felt like I wasn’t feeling anymore. Devika messaged me for the first few days, asking where I have been, why wasn’t I coming to classes, why wasn’t I talking to her. I wish I could tell her, I wish she could understand.

So on the evening of Thursday, I decided that this was getting too much. Maybe I was out of my mind, but then again, was my mind working anymore? I messaged Devika; I apologized for my absence saying I was sick. She seemed worried. And I apologized some more because maybe the things I was going to do could hurt her feelings. So I stayed up late that night, talking to Devika. For some time, my worries, my darkness seemed to fade away and I felt that I was okay, everything else was okay.

But not every time the light shining is bright enough to throw away the darkness, sometimes the darkness make its way back somehow. My maternal uncle called and started saying all those things, again. He called me and my mother and also my father with names that is too gross to share, he cursed us, all for a piece of land that my family doesn’t even want but unfortunately my grandpa made the will as if we don’t take the land, it will go to charity. And my uncle wants it all. (Now you can ask me 2 questions - 1/ why didn’t I cut the call? Because I couldn’t. I couldn’t just cut the call and be all right because he was once a caring and loving uncle, he was one of my closest relatives and even he was a friend, so I couldn’t just ignore him, even though he was the main source of the darkness. The 2^nd question will be – why did I cared too much? Same reasons, to be honest I don’t want him to be like that for whatever reasons, I thought his fire would burn out someday and our relation will be all right again, maybe hopes that will eventually go into vain but still I was rooting for it). I took on all his blows, hoping he would stop but the knockout blow came when my cousin, the closest person to me took over the phone and cursed me in all her glory, she vented out everything and disconnected the call. I was there laying on my bed, at the stroke of midnight with nothing but darkness inside of me. I look over at my phone, 3 unread messages from Devika, my final hope but at that moment the darkness overpowered the light.

I was awake the whole night, got up when it was time and get dressed for school. At school, Devika asked me if everything was allright? How could she sense that everything wasn’t allright? But I preferred to not tell her anything and just smiled a bit. She wanted to continue the topic but fortunately the teacher entered and I breathed a sigh of relief.

How can I lie to her? She will see through my lies. What if she asks me again?

She didn’t asked about it anymore but I could sense she knew something was wrong, she kept on staring me from time to time and whenever I caught her, she just smiled. Her smile that could brighten up anything but I was afraid that my darkness was more powerful.

 After school, the unexpected happened which I was fearing the most. Devika wanted to accompany me on my way home. I thought of refusing her giving her some excuses but my heart didn’t wanted to miss the opportunity of walking home with her, for the first time and who knows maybe for the last too?