Present 4

THE GREAT BLANK

I stare at the ceiling. I don't know for how have I been watching the ceiling. The Grant Blank it is where you feel nothing and everything simultaneously and you just keep hoping that it doesn't consume you in its dark deep void of emptiness.
She is suffering
She is suffering so much
How to end this.
There were so moments in life that I wanted to build a time machine and go back in time and change it (for example when my uncle died, when my closest persons left, when she left earlier) but this time it was like I was cribbing for it.
I sit up on the bed, drank some more water. I closed my eyes and the relapses from the nightmare come back.

She was dressed in a red dress. She kissed me. Her lips melted in mine. Suddenly she grabbed my throat and started choking me. My breath began to lessen up. She said " You said nah you can do anything for me? I want this. I want you to suffer like this baby." She kissed my cheeks and tightened her grip around my throat. I started to feel my life going out of me. As my life was finally getting away, I could hear her whisper "I love you". And then black.

I wake up in a cold sweat and then I try to understand the dream. My guilt crawling into my bed and getting into that naive vessel- my brain. I can see how much she is suffering , what I did to her. I destroyed and this guilt are never going to let me live. Maybe her heart will be mended, maybe I will  mend it for her. But what about me?

Yeah probably you might be thinking- oh what a selfish. Think. U haven't even started hating me.

Her priorities have changed and everything I say I have to be extra careful because one thing will lead to another and she will start bashing me. Kicking my guts with her cold and without mercy words. Thrashing my face with her behavior. But I will endure, I have to endure. I tasted love, forbidden love and now its time to taste blood, the real thing.

Love without pain ain't love at all. maybe the saying is true after all.

Coming back to my blank. This blankness is a spiral ladder down to depression. I start to cry and express my feelings , shouting them into thin air and my guilt echoes the same back to me and I get the reason for her coldness, for her behavior. Its me after all. So I start mourning, praying to God to let her be happy, let her back to me. I try to close my eyes. Relapse and its the same thing down again.

I love you re
You don't even deserve me.
Thats the transition of her mood from time to time. From giving up everything to forging the wall back up around her heart is what she is suffering. She is trying but I she is not been able to cope up with me. She loves me, she hates me. Like The Great Blank. You feel everything and nothing at all. Its The Great Blank afterall.

Chapter 4

What's in a name?

Some more days passed by and there was no way I could gather her name. There were many reasons behind it. Most of which included my fear of embarrassing myself.
What if she gets angry?
What if she slaps me hard across my face?
What if she started to like me but I creeped her out?
Questions began to haunt me but the heart wanted her name. But at the same time I didn't stopped my somewhat bad boy nature around her. I began to pass comments into thin air which was actually directed to her. Sometimes she ignores, sometimes she stares directly at my eyes with a emotion I couldn't recognize.
Her eyes meets mine, sometimes. And my world starts spinning, my ears starts burning and I just lose focus around everything. Like the multimillion mexapixel camera of my eyes focus on her eyes and everything else gets blurred.
One time she even replied back in thin air and I swear to God I was caught off guard and couldn't came up with a witty reply

High School was okay, thanks to her presence. But home wasn't. I will save you the details of my reasons of my depression which includes family quarells, school friends problems, deaths of some of my loved ones and isolation from my other loved ones. But no empathizing. But it was really getting into my head despite her presence in my heart. But WHAT THE FUCK WAS HER NAME?. And so I did something that night that I haven't done in a a very long time. I prayed to God for her. Atleast to know her a little more.

Love makes you do those things that you couldn't even imagined in your wildest dreams.

Maybe God finally decided to help me a little. A lot maybe. Because the next day at school I saw her sitting with a friend from my previous school. Her name was Rhea. She was also kindof my bestfriend. I prayed a silent prayer in my mind when I saw them together because I could easily find out more about her from Rhea. I passed a comment that day too and she passed one in return. I blushed again that day.

Classes might be boring for others but I enjoyed them. Partially because I made some cool guy friends and mostly because I could stare at her for a long time which made me feel special.(I don't know why?). After classes, I went to Rhea's place just to gather information about her.
After some casual chats with her I came straight to the point. I asked about her name.
"Devika" she replied.

Devika.DEVIKA. The name started to echo in the walls of my ears and went inside bouncing back annd forth from the walls of my veins, mixing into my blood and hitting directly at my heart which in turn pumped out gushes of happiness into my whole body.
Devika is hereby my favorite name in the world.
I finally know her name.
Devika

I went away home. Danced on top of the bed (which I only do when I am the happiest) and life went on as always but I was really happy. Devika. Devika. Devika. I just kept repeating the name on my head over and over again just so that I don't forget which I was sure I could never forget. I slept early that day dozing off to sleep by repeating her name only.

My phone blinked as a notification invaded it. Unknowingly as I was asleep that the notification is going to shake my world and take it into a roller coaster ride into a spiral track that had no end. 

Present (3)

Playlists that are no longer heard.

Music. It heals and maybe it breaks too. I opened my music streaming app. It greeted "Good morning" followed by her name and my name. I have a bad habit of not discovering more music and just repeatedly hearing the same old songs again and again. so following my bad habit (one of the reasons i no longer hold the same position in her life is my bad habits). I clicked on my playlist i made over the years and clicked on our go to song- Perfect by Ed Sheeran.
I found a love, for me.
Darling just dive right in
and follow my lead
She did. She dived right in my love but my love was shallow. I couldn't fathom her love and the impact it could have on my little pool of love that I got and now I broke her heart. I broke my heart in turn and now its just a fucking mess of emotions and heartaches. Everything around me is connected somehow to her and now it hurts even more because everything, every damn single thing reminds me of the void, the hole in my chest.
I will not give you up this time
But darling just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own.
I won't give up her, not anymore but maybe it is too late. I really did owned her heart but its not with me anymore.
31st March was the day i first danced to her, a full fledged couple dance it was on this very song. None of us knew how to do a couple dance. So we just remembered what we can from all the romantic movies and TV series and tried to copy them. She was altering between shy smiles and her laughter fits. Time really ran slow, it proved relativity. I kissed her forehead and she hugged me. Her feet was over mine as I tried to balance her on my feet. She really looked like an angel. No she wasn;'t dressed up or with makeup. she was on her home clothes but she still looked like an angel, my angel.
31st March holds a ugly incident too. The first blow towards the inevitable destruction and it started after that very dance. 

Chapter 3

Relationships are complicated and so are feelings

By the end of the last period I was pretty much sure that I felt something for that girl but I couldn't understand what. Maybe love?
But love at first sight is bullshit!
Maybe like?
Maybe.
Thoughts of various kinds was taking up the space in my head. I was feeling a little less depressed because of the attention shift from my shitty life to her beautiful smile.

Oh Did I mentioned I have AAD? Okay now I did. I have been diagnosed with Acute Anxiety Disorder a few months back but I didn't shared it with anyone. Mostly because my mom and dad won't realize it is a actual disease and my friends circle was too cool to acknowledge it and even if I told I would make a joke out of myself. So it was my secret. And here comes something that will make you empathize for me but please don't empathize me because you are going to hate me more but the fact is my disorder reached to that extend that i was self harming myself and even considered the heroic way of dying- SUICIDE.

Empathizing? "Oh he was such a poor boy with all those burdens that he was self harming!" and "Oh my god his parents didn't even noticed" and " Such a kind soul". Don't. Its just a waste of time because the more you indulge into this story.

I was out of the school and was walking towards  my home with two of my friends from the previous school who shifted here. They were talking and i was thinking about her only. Cringe alert but yeah i was thinking about her eyes and her smile and her hairs and her lips and everything about her maybe but I was drooling over her. I just wanted to talk to her.

I went home and after completing all the basic things mainly boring things that i have to do in life I opened up my less boring social media life. I went to facebook. I wanted to search her profile.
Damn! I don't know her name.
I closed my eyes. Her face hit my brain. I opened my eyes. Now I have a task in hand-to know her name.

PRESENT 2

The Present (2)

It rained today. And the rain reminded me of her. Of our love, how it drenched us with all its strength. We were so wet and now it is all dried up and now only a hope prevails that maybe, just maybe it will rain again and we will be drenched again and maybe we will love again.

I also saw a flower. I don’t know which kind or what flower it was. But it was red and very bright. It reminded me of her, her smile. Her horrendous laughter which I made so fun of. I miss that. She was all the colors in full brightness and now without her everything seems so dull and without color. Like some supernatural being has sucked out all the colors from my universe.

Chapter 2

1 Year and 8 months till the inevitable

I searched for my classroom and with the help of some directions I overheard from a group of students, I successfully found it. I entered the classroom to found the exciting faces of almost a 100 students scattered around the classroom. Despite being academically good, I was never the front bench nerd. So I searched for an ideal place to sit, not too close to the teacher yet not so far away and went on to take a seat. As I was climbing the stairs my eyes went to the students and I saw her. Sitting with 4 other girls and laughing at some random topic they were discussing.

Am I dreaming?
No, obviously not.

Then how can her eyes be so beautiful?

Why am I smiling?

Why is she looking at me?

She is looking at me!

I freaked out and moved away my eyes. I took my seat. My ears were getting hot. I was breathing heavily.

Isn’t it the same girl I saw in admission day?

Yes it was the same girl I saw in admission day and liked her so much. But 2 seconds later declared me that she was beyond my league and now she is here. I glanced at her again; she was talking with the other girls. Maybe she didn’t even notice me. She was beautiful on a whole other level. Her big brown eyes moved here and there like they were holding the most beautiful secrets of the universe. Some freckles on her cheeks. Her long, long hairs. Everything about her was beautiful. Every time I looked at her it was like I was getting some sacred blessing of a God or learning the meaning of life from a great philosopher. Like each of my cells was gathering up happiness and it bursted and released the happiness that my skin was absorbing.

I was 2 benches behind her on the opposite aisle. I kept glancing over at her from time to time just to correctly determine the feeling I was feeling. Class started but I was focusing more on her than the studies. She did look behind few times but I looked away so I don’t know who she was searching.

CHAPTER One

Present Day

There are a lot of romantic stories I have read. Some of them are very cheesy, some had a bittersweet ending, some a really sad ending. What is this going to be? I asked myself the same question. What is this story going to be? And why am I writing this? What is the end point of all these? And these are the least bothering questions in my life. What is this story going to be?  The answer is a shitty one. Why am I writing this? Because when I am sad I tend to sleep, a lot and this time the intensity of sadness is so much that I am not sure that if I sleep this time, will I ever wake up again.
And yeah this story is heartbreaking but don’t worry you will develop the hate feeling for me slowly during the course of the story. So if there is someone in your life whom you hate too much then dust him/her off of your memories, because I am pretty sure that you are going to hate me more.
This is the story of how I destroyed myself and pretty much everyone who is related to me.
 
1 year and 8 months till the inevitable

Being after a girl for almost 3 years and getting my heart broken, I was not in a position to find someone and showering my love. So after my 10th standard I decided not to run after any girl anymore. Since my school didn’t had the high section I had to visit another town for my high school. 18km away from home I got admitted to SCK. Though 18km may sound so little of a distance but it wasn’t for the place where I lived. It was kind of the country side.
(I can begin my story from the day of my admission in SCK, the day when I first saw her but I won’t. Maybe this is another of my stupid decisions of life. But I have made so much already. So yeah fuck it. )
The story begins on the first day of my junior year. Though I wasn’t much excited about the whole new place and new school but to be honest I was enjoying a bit of it. Being the 2nd most high ranker to be admitted that year to SCK I was excited about the attention I was about to get. But a little tensed too. No matter how much I loved being the centre of attention I was someone who liked to be away from chaos. It is like a constant battle between the two sides of my brain.
So after much confidence boosting by mom I entered the premises of the school. I liked the aura of the school from the day I first visited the school. But little did I knew that the following year and a half will change the life of so many people around me.