Present 5

Pain? Numb?

I look at the items scattered in the table. A pack of cigarettes, thanks to one of my friends, a nail cutter, a knife and a slightly designed knife and my phone. Her chat was open. “I don’t want you” “As soon as you get it into your head it will be better for you”.

I closed my eyes. A sudden feeling got into me like someone is tying my gut and twisting it. I am familiar with this feeling- its like my mental cue that the good me is shutting down and the more terrifying me is waking up. Its like an alarm bell of my mind to beware. I clearly know what follows now.

“I don’t want you”

“You killed my love for you”

“As soon as you get it in your head it will be better”

I know the inevitable is coming but I partially want it to come too. I want to know the pain, not the emotional mental slow churning and twisting of my mind and all my body parts but the physically one to compensate it.

She isn’t mine anymore.

Maybe she moved on.

Just a misunderstanding it is.

I took the knife. I chose this very one because it isn’t sharp and won’t give a clean cut, instead it is a blunt one so that I can feel what I am doing. I pushed the blade and slashed across my forearm. I felt nothing. A scarlet liquid made its way from the inside and drip into the table crossing the breadth of my arm.

WHY?

Why now?

We survived everything.

I continued slashing until I can see no flesh but a red hue of blood all across my arm. I cried out loud- DEVIKA. The cuts couldn’t compensate of what I feel inside. I took out a cigarette from the pack, the blood staining its tip. I lit it and took a long drag. I coughed and took another drag. My head felt dizzy.

I pushed the cigarette butt into my chest, the ember making its way into my flesh. I felt nothing. I wish I could just make my way into her mind and rewire that it is all just a misunderstanding, that I am not as faulty as it seems, not as faulty to leave me to suffer like this.

I don’t remember much of that except the fact that when I woke up there was blood everywhere in my room. My chest region was looking horrible, my arms were bloody and the cigarette pack was empty.

I changed my sheets and tried to be okay.

 I tried to distract myself from the mess; I tried to read novels but as soon as I finished reading a line and moved to the second the words were disappearing from the first, I tried playing video games but it was not very helpful cause soon enough I was in a puddle of tears. The cutting and burning continued whenever I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t eat and unfortunately enough my parents realized something was wrong and I was not okay. They asked me about it and I have to look them in the eyes and lie because no matter how much it hurted me but I can’t let them know what I have done with myself.

And all in these between she blocked and unblocked myself from social medias and I continued to beg here to take me back. (You must be thinking that what an immature and selfish person I am but let me tell you I love her man with all my heart and soul and I will fucking kill myself but I won’t give up) and she refused me with words that could kill anybody; but I survived. She pushed me, I fell down but I gathered up my courage and I was on my feet and trying to make my way into her heart again.

The following day was worse, I woke up and I was crying like a baby, which seemed more like a psychopath. I continued to beg her and she refused and I cut myself and I cried and the cycle kept on going.  I deleted all other social medias and just kept my Instagram. By late afternoon, I had too much to take. The tears refused to come out, my body refused to take anymore and so I refused to live anymore.  I told her, she replied that she is scared of me and blocked me and that set me back to the normal sunny.

She is scared of me. Out of all the feelings she has for me, I can’t let her be scared of me.

I was knocked to my senses. I installed my whatsapp as soon as the internet connection favored. I was unblocked and messaged her  “Sorry, I was out of my mind. I will live for you” . The screen showed which then turned to typing…

“I missed you” her message came.

I was again in a puddle of tears; just this time it wasn’t killing me from inside, this time hope prevailed and this time we are perfect.

Chapter 5

I stare at the blank walls. Another day, another shit day to survive. I breathed in the cold morning air. I took up the mobile and unlocked it and a clutter of notifications was there to greet me. Mostly good morning texts from family whatsapp groups and some facebook notifications too. I logged onto my facebook and went to the notification section, then the messages section and finally the friend request section cause I saw a lonely friend request waiting. The screen showed a profile of a girl.
Devika
Devika
I held my breath cause this moment was too good to believe. An army of questions began ricocheting in all the spaces of my head. My heart beat wasn't going the way its supposed to be.
Is it her?
If it is her, why did she sent me a friend request?
What do I do now?
I got myself together and tried to breathe. I couldn't. I clicked on the profile. Devika  Sharma. Yes, it is her. I clicked on the profile picture.
And there she was; wearing a traditional lime yellow salwar-kameez, sitting on a chair with the light illuminating brightly the left half of her face and partially the right one; she tilted her head to the right just a little bit and pushed her neck a little bit back; her lips curved just perfectly little to the right side, she had some freckles ( just like she did now in real). And just like that the cold air of the morning was blown away by a rush of warm fuzzy feeling. I smiled automatically. The air around me turned electrifying, like sparks was flying all around.
I gathered up all my energy and accepted the request. I breathed finally.
What now?
What should I do now?
I opened her chat and send her a message "Hi, Good morning"
I waited for some time, maybe an hour but she didn't responded. I wanted to wait for the entire day but I had classes so I finally got ready and went to school.


I saw her first, sitting with Rhea, as soon as I entered the class. She looked just beautiful. I gathered up all my courage and walked right to where they were sitting.
"Who is Devika among you guys?" I threw the question into thin air
Her eyes showed fear and she was taken aback. Shit! I scared her.
"I am. Why?" she said composing herself.
"You sent me a friend request, I accepted and sent you a message. Why  haven't you replied?"
"I didn't came online today" She was still a bit intimidated.
"Okay no problem" I smiled at her
She smiled back. Okay! Now lets die in peace

The rest of the class went away just like the other days- mostly staring at her and stealing eye contacts. She smiled two more times and I died a bit two times more but this death was sweet and fuzzy and sunshine, one which could be died a million times and you will still feel alive and breathing and happy and everything good.

I went home and after taking my meals I found my phone blinking. Maybe it was her. I unlocked and  found my prediction to be true. She replied. "Hello, Good afternoon"
"So finally you got time"
"Sorry, it took some time. But as they say, Good things demand patience"
"True that"

By the evening, we talked so much that we were almost bestfriends. I knew her address, her friend's name, her favorite singer to her favorite nail color, who she likes, who she likes a little, who she hates, who she hates a bit more, what she does when she is happy or sad, her playlist. The Devika Express was unstoppable.
"I guess good things sometimes comes fast too" I messaged.
"How so?" she asked
"Look at us girl, we already know so much of each other"
"Don't make me blush"
I smiled. Maybe she smiled too there.
"You there?" she messaged
I focussed on her, again. Maybe this is what falling in love feels like. No matter how shitty your life is and how much pain you know you are going to endure you still feel alive and breathing. I was alive, I was breathing.