Decoy World.
I look at the torn diary pages. I hardly write in my diary
and I only write if things became too happy to not share and write my heart out
or if things become too gloomy so that I write my sadness to bleed on the
paper. This time its for the latter one.
I failed to crack the entrance exam and my parents, like
most parents came in terms to punish me. They
took my most loved things away which includes my novels, grounded me and
also hit me with the most destructive weapon in their arsenal- the silent
treatment. I never faced all those things in my entire life. If freedom was a
thing, then I thought my mom and dad has bought all of it and gifted it to me but
now I have broken their dreams and everybit of feelings seems to be getting
faded away.
I lit up another cigarette. I want to GO TO HELL. I want to
visit hell and look terrified all the while satan looking into my eyes and
feasting upon my soul. I want to visit the atrocious chambers of hell. I have
never harmed anything or anyone except myself but why does it sting so much to
look into their eyes again? And I want to go to hell for that. I have hurt
myself and I don’t want salvation. I have hurt their hearts and I don’t seek
redemption, not anymore.
I chose apathy and I have made my heart suffer and this
whole concept of self-love is a book I have never opened. It is still sitting
in my desk but I failed to read. I shout self empathy but I am a hypocrite. It
took me breaking my heart and soul to realize that I am a lot softer and
empathetic to other people and other people’s problems and brutally apathetic to what I suffer, to my burning
heart.
I have shattered myself in ways that I didn’t knew existed.
I have broken my heart in every unknown corners I visited and I want to come
back home. In this moment I want her more than anything. I know she is my home
and I want to return in my comfy space. I have always bribed a part of my heart
for every journey I started and now my heart and soul are in a debacle. My
redemption would be my suffering and deep down I need her to come visit me like
an angel and throw this weight off of my heart. My parents are my most beloved
ones and when they turn against me I realized she is my savior. She can save
me, she will save me.
I look one look at the page again. I know this words have faded
away from my heart cause I need her. I read it again.
“I will move on and I will accept the pain of missing you. I
will wake up every single day full sound and aware of what I am missing but I
will accept the fact that this is my life now and this is how things are going
to be and you aren’t coming back. I will speak your name, my heart will speak
of our memories but you won’t be here to listen to it. But life will go on, I
will hear our favourite songs and smile, I will sleep alone on the sheets where
we slept together and I will always cherish how you smelt. I will look back at us and my hands won’t tremble. I will accept the fact that we won’t share a
future together and you will live the life we dreamt of, the life you are proud
of, become the person you dreamt of becoming and you live and love wholly and
with every inch of your half broken heart and all that will happen without you
by my side. I will accept the thing that every beautiful thing has an end and
there is nothing I can say or do to fix that. Sometimes leaving is an act of
love too. That sometimes you have to walk away from something soft and
hauntingly real and that sometimes hearts don’t align. But we were incredible
and I realized how incredible it was that for a moment in time, in a world of
billions, two strangers were in the right place, at the right time, and
something as deadly and sweet as LOVE transpired between them. At one point of
time we were the lucky ones. At one point of time, we beat the odds”
This page, this whole thing has no meaning left. I can never
finish loving her and I needed her back. I lit up the page with the embers of
the cigarette butt. I was watching it burn halfway through, when my phone
vibrated. It was a call, from her. I knew she would call. This was our time,
the night when nothing else prevails except my love for her and her love for
me, the time where we sang and danced and did all those things we wanted to do,
being so far way from each other but our souls, our souls were together
everytime.
I picked it up. We talked; though to be honest I talked and
she picked up my worlds like some pearls and beaded into a magical string. I bled
my words over the phone, I cried, I howled and I smiled and laughed too.
Hope, hope is a really dangerous thing. It has the power to
kill and also the power to save. She was my hope, she could kill me and also
she is the only one that can save me. As one of my favorite writers, a.k.a
Dracula has written , “If hope were a human, she would be an old woman with
gray hair and peachy skin, with eternal silver smile upon her face”. It is only
upto that person to smile the silver smile either of warmth and savior nature
or a deadly grin.
I took out my diary, put her phone on speaker, she was singing
one of my favorite song. I wrote –
Maybe we can never be complete, maybe we will always be a
little messed up. Maybe we can never be beautiful as the drawings of Picasso but
we will be there, we will prevail, we will be beautiful like the centre of the
hurricane. As Dracula once said, “Tomorrow has to live in the shadow of
Yesterday”. We will prevail. We have to.
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