Present 5

Pain? Numb?

I look at the items scattered in the table. A pack of cigarettes, thanks to one of my friends, a nail cutter, a knife and a slightly designed knife and my phone. Her chat was open. “I don’t want you” “As soon as you get it into your head it will be better for you”.

I closed my eyes. A sudden feeling got into me like someone is tying my gut and twisting it. I am familiar with this feeling- its like my mental cue that the good me is shutting down and the more terrifying me is waking up. Its like an alarm bell of my mind to beware. I clearly know what follows now.

“I don’t want you”

“You killed my love for you”

“As soon as you get it in your head it will be better”

I know the inevitable is coming but I partially want it to come too. I want to know the pain, not the emotional mental slow churning and twisting of my mind and all my body parts but the physically one to compensate it.

She isn’t mine anymore.

Maybe she moved on.

Just a misunderstanding it is.

I took the knife. I chose this very one because it isn’t sharp and won’t give a clean cut, instead it is a blunt one so that I can feel what I am doing. I pushed the blade and slashed across my forearm. I felt nothing. A scarlet liquid made its way from the inside and drip into the table crossing the breadth of my arm.

WHY?

Why now?

We survived everything.

I continued slashing until I can see no flesh but a red hue of blood all across my arm. I cried out loud- DEVIKA. The cuts couldn’t compensate of what I feel inside. I took out a cigarette from the pack, the blood staining its tip. I lit it and took a long drag. I coughed and took another drag. My head felt dizzy.

I pushed the cigarette butt into my chest, the ember making its way into my flesh. I felt nothing. I wish I could just make my way into her mind and rewire that it is all just a misunderstanding, that I am not as faulty as it seems, not as faulty to leave me to suffer like this.

I don’t remember much of that except the fact that when I woke up there was blood everywhere in my room. My chest region was looking horrible, my arms were bloody and the cigarette pack was empty.

I changed my sheets and tried to be okay.

 I tried to distract myself from the mess; I tried to read novels but as soon as I finished reading a line and moved to the second the words were disappearing from the first, I tried playing video games but it was not very helpful cause soon enough I was in a puddle of tears. The cutting and burning continued whenever I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t eat and unfortunately enough my parents realized something was wrong and I was not okay. They asked me about it and I have to look them in the eyes and lie because no matter how much it hurted me but I can’t let them know what I have done with myself.

And all in these between she blocked and unblocked myself from social medias and I continued to beg here to take me back. (You must be thinking that what an immature and selfish person I am but let me tell you I love her man with all my heart and soul and I will fucking kill myself but I won’t give up) and she refused me with words that could kill anybody; but I survived. She pushed me, I fell down but I gathered up my courage and I was on my feet and trying to make my way into her heart again.

The following day was worse, I woke up and I was crying like a baby, which seemed more like a psychopath. I continued to beg her and she refused and I cut myself and I cried and the cycle kept on going.  I deleted all other social medias and just kept my Instagram. By late afternoon, I had too much to take. The tears refused to come out, my body refused to take anymore and so I refused to live anymore.  I told her, she replied that she is scared of me and blocked me and that set me back to the normal sunny.

She is scared of me. Out of all the feelings she has for me, I can’t let her be scared of me.

I was knocked to my senses. I installed my whatsapp as soon as the internet connection favored. I was unblocked and messaged her  “Sorry, I was out of my mind. I will live for you” . The screen showed which then turned to typing…

“I missed you” her message came.

I was again in a puddle of tears; just this time it wasn’t killing me from inside, this time hope prevailed and this time we are perfect.