Present 5

Pain? Numb?

I look at the items scattered in the table. A pack of cigarettes, thanks to one of my friends, a nail cutter, a knife and a slightly designed knife and my phone. Her chat was open. “I don’t want you” “As soon as you get it into your head it will be better for you”.

I closed my eyes. A sudden feeling got into me like someone is tying my gut and twisting it. I am familiar with this feeling- its like my mental cue that the good me is shutting down and the more terrifying me is waking up. Its like an alarm bell of my mind to beware. I clearly know what follows now.

“I don’t want you”

“You killed my love for you”

“As soon as you get it in your head it will be better”

I know the inevitable is coming but I partially want it to come too. I want to know the pain, not the emotional mental slow churning and twisting of my mind and all my body parts but the physically one to compensate it.

She isn’t mine anymore.

Maybe she moved on.

Just a misunderstanding it is.

I took the knife. I chose this very one because it isn’t sharp and won’t give a clean cut, instead it is a blunt one so that I can feel what I am doing. I pushed the blade and slashed across my forearm. I felt nothing. A scarlet liquid made its way from the inside and drip into the table crossing the breadth of my arm.

WHY?

Why now?

We survived everything.

I continued slashing until I can see no flesh but a red hue of blood all across my arm. I cried out loud- DEVIKA. The cuts couldn’t compensate of what I feel inside. I took out a cigarette from the pack, the blood staining its tip. I lit it and took a long drag. I coughed and took another drag. My head felt dizzy.

I pushed the cigarette butt into my chest, the ember making its way into my flesh. I felt nothing. I wish I could just make my way into her mind and rewire that it is all just a misunderstanding, that I am not as faulty as it seems, not as faulty to leave me to suffer like this.

I don’t remember much of that except the fact that when I woke up there was blood everywhere in my room. My chest region was looking horrible, my arms were bloody and the cigarette pack was empty.

I changed my sheets and tried to be okay.

 I tried to distract myself from the mess; I tried to read novels but as soon as I finished reading a line and moved to the second the words were disappearing from the first, I tried playing video games but it was not very helpful cause soon enough I was in a puddle of tears. The cutting and burning continued whenever I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t eat and unfortunately enough my parents realized something was wrong and I was not okay. They asked me about it and I have to look them in the eyes and lie because no matter how much it hurted me but I can’t let them know what I have done with myself.

And all in these between she blocked and unblocked myself from social medias and I continued to beg here to take me back. (You must be thinking that what an immature and selfish person I am but let me tell you I love her man with all my heart and soul and I will fucking kill myself but I won’t give up) and she refused me with words that could kill anybody; but I survived. She pushed me, I fell down but I gathered up my courage and I was on my feet and trying to make my way into her heart again.

The following day was worse, I woke up and I was crying like a baby, which seemed more like a psychopath. I continued to beg her and she refused and I cut myself and I cried and the cycle kept on going.  I deleted all other social medias and just kept my Instagram. By late afternoon, I had too much to take. The tears refused to come out, my body refused to take anymore and so I refused to live anymore.  I told her, she replied that she is scared of me and blocked me and that set me back to the normal sunny.

She is scared of me. Out of all the feelings she has for me, I can’t let her be scared of me.

I was knocked to my senses. I installed my whatsapp as soon as the internet connection favored. I was unblocked and messaged her  “Sorry, I was out of my mind. I will live for you” . The screen showed which then turned to typing…

“I missed you” her message came.

I was again in a puddle of tears; just this time it wasn’t killing me from inside, this time hope prevailed and this time we are perfect.

Chapter 5

I stare at the blank walls. Another day, another shit day to survive. I breathed in the cold morning air. I took up the mobile and unlocked it and a clutter of notifications was there to greet me. Mostly good morning texts from family whatsapp groups and some facebook notifications too. I logged onto my facebook and went to the notification section, then the messages section and finally the friend request section cause I saw a lonely friend request waiting. The screen showed a profile of a girl.
Devika
Devika
I held my breath cause this moment was too good to believe. An army of questions began ricocheting in all the spaces of my head. My heart beat wasn't going the way its supposed to be.
Is it her?
If it is her, why did she sent me a friend request?
What do I do now?
I got myself together and tried to breathe. I couldn't. I clicked on the profile. Devika  Sharma. Yes, it is her. I clicked on the profile picture.
And there she was; wearing a traditional lime yellow salwar-kameez, sitting on a chair with the light illuminating brightly the left half of her face and partially the right one; she tilted her head to the right just a little bit and pushed her neck a little bit back; her lips curved just perfectly little to the right side, she had some freckles ( just like she did now in real). And just like that the cold air of the morning was blown away by a rush of warm fuzzy feeling. I smiled automatically. The air around me turned electrifying, like sparks was flying all around.
I gathered up all my energy and accepted the request. I breathed finally.
What now?
What should I do now?
I opened her chat and send her a message "Hi, Good morning"
I waited for some time, maybe an hour but she didn't responded. I wanted to wait for the entire day but I had classes so I finally got ready and went to school.


I saw her first, sitting with Rhea, as soon as I entered the class. She looked just beautiful. I gathered up all my courage and walked right to where they were sitting.
"Who is Devika among you guys?" I threw the question into thin air
Her eyes showed fear and she was taken aback. Shit! I scared her.
"I am. Why?" she said composing herself.
"You sent me a friend request, I accepted and sent you a message. Why  haven't you replied?"
"I didn't came online today" She was still a bit intimidated.
"Okay no problem" I smiled at her
She smiled back. Okay! Now lets die in peace

The rest of the class went away just like the other days- mostly staring at her and stealing eye contacts. She smiled two more times and I died a bit two times more but this death was sweet and fuzzy and sunshine, one which could be died a million times and you will still feel alive and breathing and happy and everything good.

I went home and after taking my meals I found my phone blinking. Maybe it was her. I unlocked and  found my prediction to be true. She replied. "Hello, Good afternoon"
"So finally you got time"
"Sorry, it took some time. But as they say, Good things demand patience"
"True that"

By the evening, we talked so much that we were almost bestfriends. I knew her address, her friend's name, her favorite singer to her favorite nail color, who she likes, who she likes a little, who she hates, who she hates a bit more, what she does when she is happy or sad, her playlist. The Devika Express was unstoppable.
"I guess good things sometimes comes fast too" I messaged.
"How so?" she asked
"Look at us girl, we already know so much of each other"
"Don't make me blush"
I smiled. Maybe she smiled too there.
"You there?" she messaged
I focussed on her, again. Maybe this is what falling in love feels like. No matter how shitty your life is and how much pain you know you are going to endure you still feel alive and breathing. I was alive, I was breathing.

Present 4

THE GREAT BLANK

I stare at the ceiling. I don't know for how have I been watching the ceiling. The Grant Blank it is where you feel nothing and everything simultaneously and you just keep hoping that it doesn't consume you in its dark deep void of emptiness.
She is suffering
She is suffering so much
How to end this.
There were so moments in life that I wanted to build a time machine and go back in time and change it (for example when my uncle died, when my closest persons left, when she left earlier) but this time it was like I was cribbing for it.
I sit up on the bed, drank some more water. I closed my eyes and the relapses from the nightmare come back.

She was dressed in a red dress. She kissed me. Her lips melted in mine. Suddenly she grabbed my throat and started choking me. My breath began to lessen up. She said " You said nah you can do anything for me? I want this. I want you to suffer like this baby." She kissed my cheeks and tightened her grip around my throat. I started to feel my life going out of me. As my life was finally getting away, I could hear her whisper "I love you". And then black.

I wake up in a cold sweat and then I try to understand the dream. My guilt crawling into my bed and getting into that naive vessel- my brain. I can see how much she is suffering , what I did to her. I destroyed and this guilt are never going to let me live. Maybe her heart will be mended, maybe I will  mend it for her. But what about me?

Yeah probably you might be thinking- oh what a selfish. Think. U haven't even started hating me.

Her priorities have changed and everything I say I have to be extra careful because one thing will lead to another and she will start bashing me. Kicking my guts with her cold and without mercy words. Thrashing my face with her behavior. But I will endure, I have to endure. I tasted love, forbidden love and now its time to taste blood, the real thing.

Love without pain ain't love at all. maybe the saying is true after all.

Coming back to my blank. This blankness is a spiral ladder down to depression. I start to cry and express my feelings , shouting them into thin air and my guilt echoes the same back to me and I get the reason for her coldness, for her behavior. Its me after all. So I start mourning, praying to God to let her be happy, let her back to me. I try to close my eyes. Relapse and its the same thing down again.

I love you re
You don't even deserve me.
Thats the transition of her mood from time to time. From giving up everything to forging the wall back up around her heart is what she is suffering. She is trying but I she is not been able to cope up with me. She loves me, she hates me. Like The Great Blank. You feel everything and nothing at all. Its The Great Blank afterall.

Chapter 4

What's in a name?

Some more days passed by and there was no way I could gather her name. There were many reasons behind it. Most of which included my fear of embarrassing myself.
What if she gets angry?
What if she slaps me hard across my face?
What if she started to like me but I creeped her out?
Questions began to haunt me but the heart wanted her name. But at the same time I didn't stopped my somewhat bad boy nature around her. I began to pass comments into thin air which was actually directed to her. Sometimes she ignores, sometimes she stares directly at my eyes with a emotion I couldn't recognize.
Her eyes meets mine, sometimes. And my world starts spinning, my ears starts burning and I just lose focus around everything. Like the multimillion mexapixel camera of my eyes focus on her eyes and everything else gets blurred.
One time she even replied back in thin air and I swear to God I was caught off guard and couldn't came up with a witty reply

High School was okay, thanks to her presence. But home wasn't. I will save you the details of my reasons of my depression which includes family quarells, school friends problems, deaths of some of my loved ones and isolation from my other loved ones. But no empathizing. But it was really getting into my head despite her presence in my heart. But WHAT THE FUCK WAS HER NAME?. And so I did something that night that I haven't done in a a very long time. I prayed to God for her. Atleast to know her a little more.

Love makes you do those things that you couldn't even imagined in your wildest dreams.

Maybe God finally decided to help me a little. A lot maybe. Because the next day at school I saw her sitting with a friend from my previous school. Her name was Rhea. She was also kindof my bestfriend. I prayed a silent prayer in my mind when I saw them together because I could easily find out more about her from Rhea. I passed a comment that day too and she passed one in return. I blushed again that day.

Classes might be boring for others but I enjoyed them. Partially because I made some cool guy friends and mostly because I could stare at her for a long time which made me feel special.(I don't know why?). After classes, I went to Rhea's place just to gather information about her.
After some casual chats with her I came straight to the point. I asked about her name.
"Devika" she replied.

Devika.DEVIKA. The name started to echo in the walls of my ears and went inside bouncing back annd forth from the walls of my veins, mixing into my blood and hitting directly at my heart which in turn pumped out gushes of happiness into my whole body.
Devika is hereby my favorite name in the world.
I finally know her name.
Devika

I went away home. Danced on top of the bed (which I only do when I am the happiest) and life went on as always but I was really happy. Devika. Devika. Devika. I just kept repeating the name on my head over and over again just so that I don't forget which I was sure I could never forget. I slept early that day dozing off to sleep by repeating her name only.

My phone blinked as a notification invaded it. Unknowingly as I was asleep that the notification is going to shake my world and take it into a roller coaster ride into a spiral track that had no end. 

Present (3)

Playlists that are no longer heard.

Music. It heals and maybe it breaks too. I opened my music streaming app. It greeted "Good morning" followed by her name and my name. I have a bad habit of not discovering more music and just repeatedly hearing the same old songs again and again. so following my bad habit (one of the reasons i no longer hold the same position in her life is my bad habits). I clicked on my playlist i made over the years and clicked on our go to song- Perfect by Ed Sheeran.
I found a love, for me.
Darling just dive right in
and follow my lead
She did. She dived right in my love but my love was shallow. I couldn't fathom her love and the impact it could have on my little pool of love that I got and now I broke her heart. I broke my heart in turn and now its just a fucking mess of emotions and heartaches. Everything around me is connected somehow to her and now it hurts even more because everything, every damn single thing reminds me of the void, the hole in my chest.
I will not give you up this time
But darling just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own.
I won't give up her, not anymore but maybe it is too late. I really did owned her heart but its not with me anymore.
31st March was the day i first danced to her, a full fledged couple dance it was on this very song. None of us knew how to do a couple dance. So we just remembered what we can from all the romantic movies and TV series and tried to copy them. She was altering between shy smiles and her laughter fits. Time really ran slow, it proved relativity. I kissed her forehead and she hugged me. Her feet was over mine as I tried to balance her on my feet. She really looked like an angel. No she wasn;'t dressed up or with makeup. she was on her home clothes but she still looked like an angel, my angel.
31st March holds a ugly incident too. The first blow towards the inevitable destruction and it started after that very dance. 

Chapter 3

Relationships are complicated and so are feelings

By the end of the last period I was pretty much sure that I felt something for that girl but I couldn't understand what. Maybe love?
But love at first sight is bullshit!
Maybe like?
Maybe.
Thoughts of various kinds was taking up the space in my head. I was feeling a little less depressed because of the attention shift from my shitty life to her beautiful smile.

Oh Did I mentioned I have AAD? Okay now I did. I have been diagnosed with Acute Anxiety Disorder a few months back but I didn't shared it with anyone. Mostly because my mom and dad won't realize it is a actual disease and my friends circle was too cool to acknowledge it and even if I told I would make a joke out of myself. So it was my secret. And here comes something that will make you empathize for me but please don't empathize me because you are going to hate me more but the fact is my disorder reached to that extend that i was self harming myself and even considered the heroic way of dying- SUICIDE.

Empathizing? "Oh he was such a poor boy with all those burdens that he was self harming!" and "Oh my god his parents didn't even noticed" and " Such a kind soul". Don't. Its just a waste of time because the more you indulge into this story.

I was out of the school and was walking towards  my home with two of my friends from the previous school who shifted here. They were talking and i was thinking about her only. Cringe alert but yeah i was thinking about her eyes and her smile and her hairs and her lips and everything about her maybe but I was drooling over her. I just wanted to talk to her.

I went home and after completing all the basic things mainly boring things that i have to do in life I opened up my less boring social media life. I went to facebook. I wanted to search her profile.
Damn! I don't know her name.
I closed my eyes. Her face hit my brain. I opened my eyes. Now I have a task in hand-to know her name.

PRESENT 2

The Present (2)

It rained today. And the rain reminded me of her. Of our love, how it drenched us with all its strength. We were so wet and now it is all dried up and now only a hope prevails that maybe, just maybe it will rain again and we will be drenched again and maybe we will love again.

I also saw a flower. I don’t know which kind or what flower it was. But it was red and very bright. It reminded me of her, her smile. Her horrendous laughter which I made so fun of. I miss that. She was all the colors in full brightness and now without her everything seems so dull and without color. Like some supernatural being has sucked out all the colors from my universe.